How we experience the night: "TO BE"

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TO BE.

by Manwinder Dhanjal (no pronoun)

CN: queer imposter syndrome, discrimination: transphobia, racism, sanism; family, toilet, hair.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and ask myself, "Is this enough? Am I queer enough? Am I feminine enough? Should I have shaved my face again?" I get scared. Afraid of how I'll be read at the "queer" party. Afraid of how the looks of white AFABs ¹ will tear me apart. Afraid of being looked at with disdain as I walk into the - makeshift, taped-over - "ladies' room." Fear of speaking because my voice is not high enough, because I take up too much space. Fear of being called "the brown assaulting perpetrator".‍

‍Thislook of white queers that is so "welcoming" and in the same breath colonizes my body, my mind and my whole existence . They think they know what being queer means. After all, it was white people who liberated the world and still celebrate themselves at their CSDs. They look victoriously at my brown body as if they had brought home a trophy from their campaigns. "Thanks to us, you are free!" And yet they define the essence of my identity: you are not queer enough! _{I can't stand it. The stares, they burn holes in my skin. Two options: Numb myself with drugs or go home? I look at my white friends. They don't see it and seem to be enjoying themselves.} I can't take it anymore, I'm tired, so I go home.

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On the way home, I encounter cis-male Bi_PoCs. They do not dignify me with a glance. In their eyes I have no right to exist. But where am I supposed to go? Where am I allowed to be? I hide my made-up face in the dark of the night, my painted nails in my jacket pockets, headphones in my ears, so that I can escape into another world, into my world.

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STOP. No. Just NO. I stop. Why am I doing this? I have a right to exist, to play with gender, to feel pretty, just: TO BE. I don't dance to the whistle of white queers anymore. I don't owe you nothing. We were the OG ² Queers! You divided us into "man and woman". And now 200 years later you are on the cultural development level of millennia old peoples. So shut your frickin' mouths! You too white AFABs!

And to my cis-Bi_PoC family: I no longer feel shame in your presence. I feel compassion for you and pray that one day you too can decolonize mind and body and free yourselves from the white gaze. I am not free yet, but I am on my way to freedom. So hands out of your pockets, face into the lantern light. I unpack the most blatant dance moves, this asphalted pedestrian path is my stage and I use every second. There they are again, the looks, I am observed full of suspicion. They think I am crazy. Not in my right mind. Yeees, look at me. I am crazy. Crazy in love with myself! This is my non-binary, queer Rage. And call me by my name, because I have many names: Hijra, Kinnar, Aravani, Shiv-Shakthi, Jogappa!

Tears flow down my cheeks, I wear the broadest smile on my face. The moon goddess beams down on me with all her might and for the first time in a long time, I hear myself thinking:
I am happy: TO BE.

¹ Afab = assigned female at birth = persons assigned the female gender at birth due to

of putative phenotypes or chromosome constellations was assigned

² OG = English slang "Original Gangster", corresponds in German to "Original".

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PROFILE:

About me:  

Manwinder/Monty (none/they) 2nd generation Central South Asian diaspora, born and socialized in Germany, non-binary queer, abled bodied, affected by classism, privileged in terms of education (medicine, ethnology and cultural studies) and has no children. Manwinder's work focus is on anti-racism, queer feminism, (post)colonialism, and intersectionality, and is a freelance trainer* and activist in various local, federal, and international organizations. Monty is part of the podcast collective "Kaleidoscope - Between Me and Us" (@kaleidoscope_podcast) and organized the political body and movement festival "Cuerpas Politiques" for 2022. Likewise, Manwinder is dedicated to artistic* works such as writing, (dance) theater, political drag performances and Kathak, as seen in the 5th edition of APAL@AmnAsia 2022.

I never go party without:

my friends, a handbag and a fan

A successful night is for me:

when I walk home after a long night at 7 in the morning with the heels in my hands while others go to work. Make that walk of shame to your walk of fame, they're just jealous!

Instagram: @montyliciouz

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"How We Experience Nightlife" writes stories, impressions, and experiences of people with diverse and intersectional perspectives from nightlife. Nightlife or event life can be characterized by being exuberant, exhilarating, connecting, liberating, and networking. But it can also be exclusionary, discriminatory, and painful. People deal with these experiences differently. They develop (empowering) strategies or have to draw consequences for themselves. Many are convinced that "something like that" does not happen at their own events. But these supposedly individual experiences run structurally through our society and are also anchored in the event context.

People who have to experience (multiple) discrimination share their view of nightlife here in literary contributions and testimonials. These are multi-layered voices that are made visible and audible: Empowering, angry, reporting on violence and the accompanying pain, longing, sad, free, loud and quiet, hard and soft.

9 authors and/or artists are involved in the zine. We asked them what a successful night looks like for them, when they feel safe and strong. But also, how their experiences with sexualized violence or discrimination are.

They are part of Saxony's nightlife - whether as visitors, awareness, security, artists or organizers. During the day and at night, many of them are active against discrimination. Some of them remain anonymous, some of them introduce themselves under their contributions. Thank you for your openness, your courage and your work!

In parts, controversial and complex topics are addressed in the contributions. This is done in a very subjective and sometimes abbreviated manner, but in line with the experience gained. As editors, we see it as our task to let these reports stand uncensored and unfiltered as they are, and we think it is important to give space to controversies and discussions.

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